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101 Reasons Why Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson Will Break Up

by on Sunday, February 1st, 2009


From Worst to Best

  1. Lindsay is a 9.3
  2. Sam is a 3.1
  3. Sam looks like my 13 year old cousin Dave.
  4. Sam always looks pissed off in her pictures.
  5. Lindsay is straight (according to Joe “The Sleazeball” Francis, who also did a year in jail for tax evasion. Hmmm)
  6. Lindsay forgot to vote on November 4th. Sam cannot get over this.
  7. Lindsay wears lingerie.
  8. Sam wears wifebeaters and boxers.
  9. Sam’s haircut was preordered from 1964.
  10. Lindsay still has a thing for her ex-model-boyfriend Calum Best.
  11. Sam hates Calum Best.
  12. Lindsay’s father hates Sam.
  13. Sam hates boys.
  14. Lindsay likes boys.
  15. Lindsay can get any guy in the world.
  16. Sam can’t get even one guy.
  17. Sam likes the Dixie Chicks.
  18. Lindsay likes Brett Michaels.
  19. Sam likes Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
  20. Lindsay likes Best Week Ever.
  21. Hollywood doesn’t seem to care about their lesbian relationship, thereby mitigating the effects of Lindsay’s “I’m going to do whatever I want, even if it is explosive, irregardless of your heavy scrutiny”.
  22. Sam became a lesbian because she didn’t receive any attention from guys.
  23. Lindsay became a lesbian because she received too much attention from guys. Soon she will miss that.
  24. If Lindsay stays a lesbian, she will start to realize there are actually better looking women out there.
  25. Lindsay will tell Sam that she thinks Britney Spears is kinda hot. Sam will fume.
  26. Lindsay wants to be different than Paris Hilton. Congrats. You dated a girl. You are different. Now go back to making movies and dating guys.
  27. Sam knows Lindsay is not a true lesbian.
  28. Sam can hear an actual clock ticking in her head as to when Lindsay will wake up from her yearlong slumber, look at Sam, say “WTF” and run out of their home.
  29. Sam knows every guy and girl checks out Lindsay when they go out together, and it drives her crazy.
  30. Lindsay is curvy, Sam is bony, Sam should be curvy, but Sam is not curvy.
  31. Lindsay likes to shop for clothes, get her hair done, and talk about boys.
  32. Sam doesn’t know how to do those things.
  33. Sam got her first arousal when seeing Lindsay in the Parent Trap.
  34. Lindsay was 12 when she filmed that movie.
  35. Lindsay got her first arousal when seeing Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise.
  36. When Lindsay first met Sam, she thought she was a guy.
  37. When Sam first met Lindsay, she shat her pants.
  38. Sam doesn’t know why Lindsay likes her so much.
  39. Lindsay refuses to classify herself as a lesbian.
  40. Sam has T-shirts which say PROUD LESBIAN on the front.
  41. Lindsay said she does not know what she will be in 5 years, 5 months, or 5 days from now.
  42. Sam knows exactly what she will be like in 50 years from now.
  43. Sam constantly asks herself how she landed the hottest young star in Hollywood.
  44. Sam is losing sleep and hair over Lindsay being 3x as hot as her.
  45. Sam has a job, thereby making it difficult to lose sleep.
  46. Sam is a DJ; Lindsay has to shake her butt at the DJ booth to keep Sam happy.
  47. Sam will find herself distracted by Lindsay’s womanly curves, thereby interrupting her DJ sets.
  48. Lindsay will get a kick out of distracting Sam during her sets. Sam cannot say anything for fear of losing the biggest love conquest known to woman.
  49. Sam will speak with Dr Phil to try and overcome her fear of losing Lindsay.
  50. Dr Phil will tell Sam that Lindsay is much hotter than her, and she is correct in fearing that she might lose Lindsay.
  51. This will increase Sam’s fear even more. Sam will become paralyzed with fear.
  52. Sam will turn to Lindsay for help; Lindsay will just giggle and start dancing.
  53. Lindsay hasn’t landed a decent acting gig in over 3 years. Sam does not respect that.
  54. Wide age gaps do not work well in Hollywood. Sam is 11 years older, thereby 11 years more crafty, cunning, and clever.
  55. Sam liked to read The Sun.
  56. Lindsay likes to read USA Today.
  57. Sam’s IQ is 30 points higher than Lindsay’s.
  58. Lindsay refuses to let Sam call her Lin.
  59. Sam lets Lindsay call her anything she wants.
  60. The media has shied away from the couple. Lindsay isn’t getting the attention she is used to.
  61. The public is intrigued by the couple, but what for reason? Because Lindsay is dating a girl, or because Lindsay is dating Samantha Ronson?
  62. Lindsay will want kids some day, but not at 22.
  63. Sam knows this, and, according to Lindsay’s father, has been hypnotizing Lindsay to stay with her.
  64. Lindsay is receiving the love and care from Sam that she never received from her father, thereby creating a scenario in which she found love from a woman which she could not receive from a man. But surely Lindsay will meet other men who can provide this love.
  65. Michael Lohan will eventually reconcile with his daughter. It might take 3-5 years, but it will happen.
  66. When it does happen, Sam will be tossed.
  67. Sam will never ever cheat on Lindsay. There is no jealousy subplot to drive Lindsay to keep close.
  68. Sam never checks out other girls or guys. This will make her disposable to Lindsay.
  69. Lindsay treats Sam like a therapist. Sam will get tired of this.
  70. Lindsay will take Sam for granted.
  71. Ryan Seacrest is scared to ask for details of the relationship. RYAN SEACREST. Thereby indicating the public’s expectation of a horrendous breakup.
  72. Lindsay will start suffering from the Tupac syndrome, also known as the “all eyes on me” disorder. Hollywood will just “stare” at her all day long.
  73. Lindsay craves attention, she just doesn’t know it. She will realize that dating Colin Farrel has more perks than dating Sam. For better or for worse.
  74. Lindsay will have urges to elope with Sam. This will cause friction with mother Dena, who up until now, has been a good sport about all of this.
  75. Dena secretly expects Lindsay to break up with Sam in a year or two. Lindsay might not. DUNT DUNT DUNNNNT…..
  76. Sister Ali will bring home Zach Efron. This will cause Lindsay to have mighty sexual urges. She will then look at Sam with hopeful eyes. Sam will frown. Lindsay might throw up.
  77. Hollywood will call upon Shia LaBeauf to court Lindsay. He will fail.
  78. Joe Jonas will take it upon himself to snap Lindsay out of her sexual funk. He will succeed.
  79. Taylor Swift will try to win back Joe. Lindsay never loses a cat fight. Bye bye Sam.
  80. When Sam realizes she is losing her grip on Lindsay, she will stage a photo-op with another female or male celeb. Lindsay will laugh. This will fan the flames of breakup.
  81. Lindsay will do a movie with George Clooney.
  82. Sam will be mistaken as a sickly cancer patient, and become hospitalized for 3 weeks. Lindsay doesn’t like hospitals.
  83. Sam will get bored with Lindsay’s luscious curves, and will desire a smarter woman.
  84. Sam will then slap herself in the face and remind herself that she has the hottest young female celeb in her hands. This will cause her to tighten her grip on Lindsay, thus driving her away.
  85. If they are still dating in 2 years, people will start throwing rocks at the couple.
  86. Joe The Sleazeball Francis will offer $1,000,000 to any guy who can seduce Lindsey and cause a breakup.
  87. Angelina Jolie will let Brad Pitt enter the contest, to make up for her unfair behavior toward Jennifer Aniston.
  88. Brad Pitt will emerge from the contest as the knight in shining armor, aboard a white stallion, while the paparazzi violently snaps pictures.
  89. Sam will be seen in the distance, angrily shaking her fists in the direction of Brad.
  90. Lindsey will hate the attention, and hide in an ivory tower for safety.
  91. Chris Mathews will interview Lindsey. Lindsey will find Mathews repulsive and creepy, and will consider going back to women. But not Sam.
  92. Warren Beatty will weigh in on the matter, praising Lohan and offering to “take her out for a night on the town”.
  93. Dena Lohan will voraciously force Lindsey to take up Beatty on the offer, and insist they she join as a “chaperone”.
  94. Lindsey will discover her mother to be a heartless opportunist, and will begin to despise women.
  95. She will call Sam, but hangs up as soon as she answers. Sam will know it’s Lindsey, due to caller ID being installed on all modern day cell phones. Sam will become angry and call back.
  96. Lindsey will quickly hand the phone to Joe “The Sleazeball” Francis. Joe will pretend to be Lynne Cheney, and claim that Lynne is now dating Lindsey.
  97. Ali Lohan will walk into the room to find Joe and Lindsey sitting awkwardly together on a couch. Ali thinks Joe is a huge sleazeball, and will call Sam to tell her to get Joe out of Lindsey’s life.
  98. Sam will try to seduce Ali, convincing her that all men are evil. Lindsey will overhear this conversation on her own phone (Lohan Verizon family plan) and vow to never look at Sam ever again.
  99. Dena will rejoice, and promises to buy Lindsey a Ferarri, just as soon as Lindsey’s next check comes in the mail.
  100. Sam moves to England, and attempts to woo Amy Winehouse. Blake Civil Fielder knocks out Sam’s front teeth, thereby making her the modern day female version of Huckleberry Finn.
  101. Lindsay enjoys trumping convention by dating someone seemingly for their “inner beauty”. That’s cool. But I have 101 reasons why I’m calling bullshit.

5 Responses to “101 Reasons Why Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson Will Break Up”

  1. tw2000 Says:

    awsome list!!

  2. tay swift Says:

    the last 10 are golden!

  3. speechless Says:

    this list is absurd
    why are u so angry at this nice couple
    let them be.

  4. tink Says:

    LMAO! That list was hilairious and I could actually see some of that stuff happening in real life.

  5. Avenger Says:

    This text is the best what I’ve ever read about LL and SR.
    Let’s support Michael Lohan!

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